The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Pants are for mortals
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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