I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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