I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
