the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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