I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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