we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
being pregnant is like rehab
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
