please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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