"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
