the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
