New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
