My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I can't turn off my feet"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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