When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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