I think im going to throw up on grandma
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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