Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
