just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
