Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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