we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
