You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Actions speak louder than pants.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
