U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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