I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
