you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
