Everything about him screamed your future.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
