Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
