It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
