You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
