My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
