I should be sponsored by Trojan
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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