After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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