I want to walk on stilts...naked
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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