Betty ford says i'm here all night
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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