Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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