i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
