I showed him my bush... on skype.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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