I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
