the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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