i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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