I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
