My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Please don't give away my fajitas
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