How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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