Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
