Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize