my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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