watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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