well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
