the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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