Can Purell be used as lube?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
