I think I won the penis lottery.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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