I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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