Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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