At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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