I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
