I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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