Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
