im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
