Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
