they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize