So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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