my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
