he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
